To Be Trusted

I find it funny that after such a short time from posting about how we must not put confidence in man that I reminded of how badly I want others to put confidence in me. Without going into details I will simply say that it was revealed to me today that someone I admire and look to for my own spiritual support had not much more than zero confidence in me. Was I hurt, yes. Was I surprised, yes. Should I have been, no. That does not make it hurt any less. I honestly felt as if someone I loved had died and even worse, that I had killed them. Yet, when I search my heart, I find no fault of my own for this mistrust. I write that awaiting explanation from the person from whom I have lost trust which in turn causes even more angst but at the same time a desire to become more refined spiritually.
Oh to be like Paul who found the confidence to write these words;

1This is how one should regard us, as servants of Christ and stewards of the mysteries of God. 2Moreover, it is required of stewards that they be found trustworthy. 3But with me it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you or by any human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself. 4 For I am not aware of anything against myself, but I am not thereby acquitted. It is the Lord who judges me. 5Therefore do not pronounce judgment before the time, before the Lord comes, who will bring to light the things now hidden in darkness and will disclose the purposes of the heart. Then each one will receive his commendation from God. -

1 Cor. 4:1-5

Reviewing my feelings and how I feel about even people I love lacking trust in me it becomes ever so obvious of how far I must go to reach the goal to be even worthy to proclaim Christ crucfied fearlessly and without reservations as Paul so boldly did. I like to think of myself as a good steward of the gifts that Christ has placed in my life (wife, children, job, youth group, church leadership), yet I continue to want others to see it and believe in me. Why would I care though as long as I know that Christ sees it? As of now, I am not sure. If and when I figure it out, I will share it. Even when you see yourself as nothng more than a sinner, it still hurts when you find that others must see you the same way.